The First

What am I supposed to be?  Am I a person?  Am I a persona?  Am I real?  To what extent am I real?  If I am real, am I tangible?  I don't really know anymore.  I don't even know if it's me writing half the time.  I seriously can't tell.  I apparently have developed a bit of a habit of ativan...  FUCK that's not me that developed a bit of a habit to ativan... that's fucking darren...  but I can't help but always feel TOO sober, too cognizant, too aware of everything that is going on.  Sometimes it's stifling.  It takes me DAYS to get done something that takes me fifteen seconds to accomplish.  I need the days in advance for emotional preparation.  Am I a spirit?  darren doesn't really believe in spirits.  But I do hear voices.  Voices of my dead ancestral brothers.  I hear voices of kids that are just starting to realize their sexual impulses don't match up with the other kids they're friends with.  I hear darren's voice, which is usually to tell us that we're bad and wrong and should shut the fuck up and just go through the motions.  But I swear to God my brothers are trying to tell me something...  and I think they may be trying to tell it to these new gay kids that haven't had to suffer.  I don't think our bros are mad these kids don't have to suffer like they did, or I did...  but I don't know what they are trying to teach them either. 

I think things might start changing here...  It is harder and harder for me to stay grounded, as myself, Cory Koons, whoever, whatever I am...  but I feel that since I exist, and I'm not sure if I exist because darren exists or if darren exists because I exist, but anyway since I exist, and maybe shouldn't, our brothers have an easier time coming to me, or I have an easier time hearing them, seeing them, than darren does...  Whatever they have to show me, I will let them, even if that means I lose some of myself in the process.  I have never wanted anything but to make things more mindful, not better or worse...  that is beyond my control, and I don't want that responsibility.  I don't think I'm ever going to have answers, or at least finite answers...  but I think questions will arise, which don't necessarily have to have an answers...  I guess sometimes questions can provide really great answers, without the actual question being answered itself.

They want me to listen to them.  I want you to listen to me try and repeat what they are trying to teach me.