they have this funny way of enhancing whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment. what is floating on clouds one night is sinking in a hole the next. tonight it feels like a cave that makes me keep my eyes open. it is weird.
it could be nerves. it could be emotions.
I have to wake up in four hours. I don't want to go to bed.
the sleep has been jittery lately.
I didn't want to leave the beach. no one knew me. my iPhone broke the minute i boarded the train. my voice mail box was full. one night turned into a week.
the man I was with and I are perfect for each other. great chemistry. instant pet names. we tried not to talk about anything important; keep it on the surface. we cuddled less but fucked with invariable intensity.
when I got back from the beach, I tried to pretend I was still there. stay at home. they won't find you here.
29 July 2008
26 July 2008
17 July 2008
Off to the Beach!
So I met a very nice man with a beercan cock and a Harley and he invited me to his beach house this weekend. Thank fucking god. My tan is going to be fierce.
13 July 2008
Black Party '08 Memories:
In regards to a certain Brazilian who became my nemesis as quickly as he manipulated me to become my best friend.
From:
Subject: were u at the black party? dancing?
Date: Sun 13 Jul 2008 10:56 AM
On Sun 13 Jul 2008 10:57 AM, Cory Koons wrote:
On Sun 13 Jul 2008 10:59 AM, wrote:
On Sun 13 Jul 2008 11:01 AM, Cory Koons wrote:
From:
Subject: Re: were u at the black party? dancing?
Date: Sun 13 Jul 2008 11:05 AM
WITH FRIENDS LIKE THAT WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?
From:
Subject: were u at the black party? dancing?
Date: Sun 13 Jul 2008 10:56 AM
On Sun 13 Jul 2008 10:57 AM, Cory Koons wrote:
i sure was. I was wearing high waisted deerskin shorts, boots, and such, and then a chaps waist jockstrap. was on stage soaked in blood, etc.
On Sun 13 Jul 2008 10:59 AM, wrote:
i think we were dancing together,.
we met upstairs in the dressing room with this other fried of yours.
We kissed a bit,..
You were wearing an ass free outfit,..
On Sun 13 Jul 2008 11:01 AM, Cory Koons wrote:
oh shit we did, didn't we? OK, so that friend of mine later turned out to be all crazy and shit, and even last night any guy I would talk to he would immediately try to steal from me (even if I was just talking to a friend)... was that the case there? usually when it happens I just walk away.
From:
Subject: Re: were u at the black party? dancing?
Date: Sun 13 Jul 2008 11:05 AM
that was exactly the case,..
i think he was high on something
he's hot but he's too crazy for me.
you were extremely mellow.
Yes he was very jealous and kept asking why I like you and not him.
You felt extremely good and I would have loved to make out with you but you
disappeared...
WITH FRIENDS LIKE THAT WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?
This Goes to Show You How the Energy You Throw Off Comes Back to You.
I am riding my bike from Union Square to the Bar, to dance. I am late. I cross 6th Ave crosswalk. A motherfucker takes two running steps and kicks my bike as hard he can. I cut him off or give me any reason to do this. I stop my bike. "what the fuck was that?" no response. "fucking asshole!"
"what did you say?"
He is already walking away by this point. I put my kickstand up. Leave my bike in the street. Start walking after him. Rip my fucking sunglasses and earphones out. "Say it to my face!" he continues to hustle to the nearest store, a fucking Sprint PCS. I follow him in there as he walks deeper in the store. I call him a fucking pussy a couple times really loudly, then walk away, get on my bike, and get ready to don a plastic'grass skirt, and a floaty ring in the shape of Tony the Tiger.
Afterwards, I am leaving with a friend, and two dudes walk past us, one of them makes an under-his-breath type of condescending comment that sounds nice but you know it means the opposite, you stupid fucking faggot, so when I chirp up "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY? COULD YOU PLEASE REPEAT THAT? SPEAK INTO THE MICROPHONE." He doesn't like it very much and can just say
with all the sarcastic, deluded, grandeur he can conjure up.
"BULLSHIT. BULL-FUCKING SHIT" This is when my friend steps in, as he can see that they are probably in a gang, three of his friends are half a block away wondering if they should pull him away or wait for the signal to join in and beat us faggots down. They talk heatedly for a while, I stop listening. Key terms I hear are, "This is my turf," "your friend needs to step down (I was unchanged in my position, smiling bemusedly, I would rather have had my teeth knocked out and my face drug across the pavement than back down at that moment)," "...Just because you're light-skinned," "I know. My friend, he's talking stupid, and he's not going to say nothing no more (friend is looking at me, like keep your fucking mouth shut stupid ass)."
We managed to get out of that one unscathed, but seriously, fucking hell, why should two faggots think that being fucking heckled by some ignorant assholes (whose fucking turf you happen to be on, um, we're one block away from a gay bar and fancy car delearships assholes I think that makes it just as much our turf, um, joking, but anyway) whilst walking away from a leather bar think that's OK, and not speak up, even if it means getting our asses kicked?
I guess that really doesn't change anything.
Needless to say, I got so freaked out I had to immediately change plans, and hop on my bike, and ride the entire way back to the bowels of fucking Brooklyn. Finally. The best part is that I was frying my nuts off and was quite drunk and stoned also. It took me maybe forty-five minutes to ride the six+ miles. How's that for endorphins? Work it out.
MORALITY REPORT: Please, everyone out there, do not ride your bike, your car, your motorcycle, whatever, when you are wasted. It is super dangerous and really dumb. And really, I'm a huge believer in doing whatever the fuck you want as long as you are not putting other people in harm's way, and that is it exactly what you do when doing stupid shit like that. Riding across the bridge all whacked out and shit was pretty awesome though.
"fucking faggot."
"what did you say?"
"FUCKING FAGGOT!!!"
He is already walking away by this point. I put my kickstand up. Leave my bike in the street. Start walking after him. Rip my fucking sunglasses and earphones out. "Say it to my face!" he continues to hustle to the nearest store, a fucking Sprint PCS. I follow him in there as he walks deeper in the store. I call him a fucking pussy a couple times really loudly, then walk away, get on my bike, and get ready to don a plastic'grass skirt, and a floaty ring in the shape of Tony the Tiger.
Afterwards, I am leaving with a friend, and two dudes walk past us, one of them makes an under-his-breath type of condescending comment that sounds nice but you know it means the opposite, you stupid fucking faggot, so when I chirp up "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY? COULD YOU PLEASE REPEAT THAT? SPEAK INTO THE MICROPHONE." He doesn't like it very much and can just say
"I didn't say nothing mean, I just said that you can go on continue doing whatever you want to do, I didn't say shit."
with all the sarcastic, deluded, grandeur he can conjure up.
"BULLSHIT. BULL-FUCKING SHIT" This is when my friend steps in, as he can see that they are probably in a gang, three of his friends are half a block away wondering if they should pull him away or wait for the signal to join in and beat us faggots down. They talk heatedly for a while, I stop listening. Key terms I hear are, "This is my turf," "your friend needs to step down (I was unchanged in my position, smiling bemusedly, I would rather have had my teeth knocked out and my face drug across the pavement than back down at that moment)," "...Just because you're light-skinned," "I know. My friend, he's talking stupid, and he's not going to say nothing no more (friend is looking at me, like keep your fucking mouth shut stupid ass)."
We managed to get out of that one unscathed, but seriously, fucking hell, why should two faggots think that being fucking heckled by some ignorant assholes (whose fucking turf you happen to be on, um, we're one block away from a gay bar and fancy car delearships assholes I think that makes it just as much our turf, um, joking, but anyway) whilst walking away from a leather bar think that's OK, and not speak up, even if it means getting our asses kicked?
I guess that really doesn't change anything.
Needless to say, I got so freaked out I had to immediately change plans, and hop on my bike, and ride the entire way back to the bowels of fucking Brooklyn. Finally. The best part is that I was frying my nuts off and was quite drunk and stoned also. It took me maybe forty-five minutes to ride the six+ miles. How's that for endorphins? Work it out.
MORALITY REPORT: Please, everyone out there, do not ride your bike, your car, your motorcycle, whatever, when you are wasted. It is super dangerous and really dumb. And really, I'm a huge believer in doing whatever the fuck you want as long as you are not putting other people in harm's way, and that is it exactly what you do when doing stupid shit like that. Riding across the bridge all whacked out and shit was pretty awesome though.
an excerpt from a letter I received two nights ago from my ex-lover/why i totally suck
the party was really really fun until I left without saying goodbye. I am going to do laundry this morning, after I burn some sage.
"if you intend to make a scene and throw things around and kick doors until they are falling of their hinges, I cannot be around you. If you cannot find a place to be calm when you are around me, we cannot be friends. I understand you are let down and disappointed with me but you have no right to behave with me as you did today. I never ever deserved this sort of treatment and I do not deserve to be treated this way now. I will not allow our interactions to ruin another event."
11 July 2008
an excerpt from a letter I just wrote my ex-lover/why i hate crystal meth
"I don't know why I am writing this. I already know it won't change anything in your life, or between us. Maybe this is just a letter to make myself feel better, to know that I have tried to help... but it's not my responsibility, as much as I wish it were. I know that I either have to accept you as how you are because that is never going to change, or move on. Either option sucks so much and the thought of either has made me burst into tears. I hate thinking that I'm going to lose you first as a boyfriend, and then as a friend because it hurts me too much (which then turns to irrational anger) to see you destroy yourself, but do I have any other options? NO."
09 July 2008
I Found a New Way to Have Pork
I read this article a few months back in the Wednesday Times Food section:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/16/dining/16ital.html?n=Top/Reference/Times%20Topics/Subjects/F/Food
In preparing a delightful summer pasta I came across the exact secret ingredient, guanciale, that they were talking about in that article.
I made a really delicious pasta with braised chicken thighs, guanciale, summer vegetables and herbs, and a bit of parmigiano tonight. It will be just as good cold tomorrow.
I feel so happy now that I don't really remember being anything BUT a happy person brimming with ideas I can't wait to execute.
Moving into a new space, having space of my own--a fucking HOME--has been the most amazing thing to happen to me in so long.
To those of you reading, we're on the home stretch now!!!
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/16/dining/16ital.html?n=Top/Reference/Times%20Topics/Subjects/F/Food
In preparing a delightful summer pasta I came across the exact secret ingredient, guanciale, that they were talking about in that article.
I made a really delicious pasta with braised chicken thighs, guanciale, summer vegetables and herbs, and a bit of parmigiano tonight. It will be just as good cold tomorrow.
I feel so happy now that I don't really remember being anything BUT a happy person brimming with ideas I can't wait to execute.
Moving into a new space, having space of my own--a fucking HOME--has been the most amazing thing to happen to me in so long.
To those of you reading, we're on the home stretch now!!!
The Nicest Thing Anyone Has Ever Said to Me
"Your ass is the genetic equivalent of a twelve inch dick."
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