I was in my mom's backyard today sunning myself reading the new Harry Potter book and lost track of time. My tan is so fierce until I turn around, exposing a red red red back and for the first time in my life, red red red red motherfucking thighs. The small bikini protected my ass. I am going to look so funny on film. NOT THE LOOK two days before your comeback porno.
I used to quietly pride myself on being an atypical porn star. I'd secretly laugh at the guys with Hitler moustache pubeys and bright red skin from the tanning bed. I bought a body trimmer two days ago when I was at Target with my mom (HOW GAY) and now this. . . All I can ask now is
1. When are my steroids going to kick in?
2. When will I do my first fisting movie?
3. When will I do my first bareback movie?
Those are the only two I mean three things that can happen at this point, right?
4. Where will my first large tribal piece be located?
So I was wrong. Let's think here, there must be other, funnier things I left out.
5. ??? Help me out dear readers. . .