HARRY POTTER SUCKS

My ass looks like the face of someone ugly.

Did I mention the bug bites my ass accrued whilst in the Hamptons two weeks ago? They look even better now on my white ass. They're almost the same color as my red fucking thighs and back. Who wants to bet that I'll wake up with a hemorrhoid tomorrow?

(Finally) It's Happened to Me

I was in my mom's backyard today sunning myself reading the new Harry Potter book and lost track of time. My tan is so fierce until I turn around, exposing a red red red back and for the first time in my life, red red red red motherfucking thighs. The small bikini protected my ass. I am going to look so funny on film. NOT THE LOOK two days before your comeback porno.

I used to quietly pride myself on being an atypical porn star. I'd secretly laugh at the guys with Hitler moustache pubeys and bright red skin from the tanning bed. I bought a body trimmer two days ago when I was at Target with my mom (HOW GAY) and now this. . . All I can ask now is

1. When are my steroids going to kick in?

2. When will I do my first fisting movie?

3. When will I do my first bareback movie?

Those are the only two I mean three things that can happen at this point, right?

4. Where will my first large tribal piece be located?

So I was wrong. Let's think here, there must be other, funnier things I left out.

5. ??? Help me out dear readers. . .

Bakersfield Gay Bar UPDATE

I am already feeling smothered by the texts that said trick is sending me.

Bakersfield Gay Bar

Lesbians go out so much more in small towns. PS I'm back home now. I went to a gay bar last night and it was mainly lesbethnic. So hot. And they come in packs. Also, I never realized that they came in so many different sizes. There'd be a group of girls, all looking like Da Brat, and they would range it height from 6'0" to 4'11", I shit you not, and there would be five of them, all dressed like Da ("All juiced up/that comes naturally") Brat.

The music was pure, unadulterated, guilty pleasure hip hop and pop. The lesbians ground like nothing I've seen before. I was extremely disappointed that none of the janky trannies did runway.

There was slim pickings for me, but the bartender I used to hump was still bartending. My sister found the two straight guys in the bar (some things run in the family), her boyfriend set me up with the hottest guy there, and we went back to my sister's to hang out, drink dirty martinis, smoke Marlboro Reds and pot, skinny dip, whirlpool bath, and discover that the hottest guy in the bar I brought home not only had a dirty ass (but a cute one), but a teeny tiny dick. Recounting the events to my boyfriend (I mean ex) today, he asked me why I didn't check his dick at the bar, like I usually do.

Today, I Realized Two Things

If I were straight I'd totally go for extreme blondes (as I did when I dated girls). Some things don't change.

I am a total fucking tramp.

So Exciting!!!

I am working my ass off daily before I leave for California. And I got dumped. I promptly changed the date of a big shoot I had today to tomorrow. OH, and I had to style it and cast the seven girls (one has been shot, fresh faces story) too. This has barely left me any time to mourn over being dumped, or get fucked repeatedly. JUST KIDDING!!! Can't wait to see my family.